Today and Yesterday (Not Literally – that is boring)

So my Mama and hero passed away in October. It was something that we all knew was coming, but nothing can prepare you for it.

I suffer from depression and anxiety and had been on medication for last 7 years. When I got the news, I couldn’t cry….not a tear. I was frustrated with this because everyone knows the deep and profound bond I had with my mother. “Why the hell can’t I cry ? What is wrong with me”? I questioned every emotion that a human is suppose to have and felt just numb.

I made an INSANE (in the membrane (music quote) ) decision and took myself off my med’s (And YES to all my medical friends, I did it appropriately under doctor instructions). Guess what? Still no tears!!!! At first I thought there was something wrong with me. Then I started to notice all the things I had missed while medicated.

I was not noticing the distance growing between me and my husband. I wasn’t paying the right attention to my teen daughter who was struggling. I felt unconnected to everything and I was letting myself be a punching bag for everything and everyone. WHAT THE ACTUAL F^&%, right?

So fast forward it is now 2019, I am still medication free and even though I feel absolutely everything and sometimes I am a snappy, sailor mouthed, need to repent and a hardcore raving lunatic I realized something I had suspected about my mother’s death…my hero, my mama had spent the prior year preparing me for the day she would leave this earth to be with her Lord. (We will get into my religious heart in a later blog – FUN SHIT THERE!!) I wasn’t feeling loss like you see in movies, no dramatic sobbing or mood swings. I felt oddly at peace, calm and serene. I know exactly where she expected to go and if that’s what she wanted, she GOT IT. I sat on the porch at Christmas looked up at the stars and just knew I was ok and I knew she was ok. Don’t get me wrong, I miss my mom…but I know she is not far.

So I am kinda thinking that maybe she did more than prepare me for her leaving, I think she may have left to save me. Her death has started me on a completely new journey of self discovery. I am off all toxic medication (Some of you lovely crazy poo’s need your med’s I am NO EXPERT, talk to your doctor like I did, don’t just stop) and I am certainly not numb.

“Prepared by peace, patience and love. Go forward with warm regard for one another.” Kim Hash