Today was hard! I have been so dormant the last two years. Stopped working out, stopped moving in general. It is easy to become complicit in not moving. With the pandemic, the kids at home and no real activity to do it was so easy to just child and Netflix.

The result of this is I am unhappy, overweight and feel like crap all the damn time. So after much debate I decided to go play disc golf with my husband (his favorite hobby). This entailed 18 holes stretched over 3 miles of park. I walked over 8000 steps and not all flat. There were holes that were in the woods, down hills and up embankments. It was hard, but I kept my pace and even played the first 9 holes.

What I learned is that I can still move. It is going to hurt like hell tomorrow, but I can be active. It felt good to be outside and it felt better to walk over 3 miles!!!! So I am going to make weekly walking outside a habit.

I strongly recommend that if you are like me and feel stuck by this pandemic. Find a park or walking trail and at least a couple of times of week, walk a couple miles. Take some music, some water and even a healthy snack should you need it. IT WILL DO YOUR BODY AND MIND GOOD!!!!

So much content out there these days. We have blogging, facebook, tiktok, twitter, Instagram and snapchat. What we have created is both good and bad.

Here is the good. During the pandemic we needed connection to others. We could easily hop on our phone, laptop, tablet or PC and just connect. It has been nice to see and talk to people without the worry of getting sick. It has been fun to watch humor and laughter take over a space that once was just meme’s and thirst traps. It is great to get that random snap from a friend or loved one that just found that new filter that is hilarious!!! Our children have learned to dive into the techno age like just they learn to walk and talk. All good things!

Here is the bad. I realized I talk more to relatives with social media than I do in person. I even communicate with family using my technology when they live 20 miles away. The fake news on apps like Facebook and Twitter has gotten me the point where I would love to delete the apps all together. I was looking at my apps and noticed that besides my book apps, it is all social media and games which is/has pulled me away from being present in the world. Social media apps are tracking what we do and what we purchase. Every time I buy something through my phone, Facebook ads and ads on other apps all show what I just looked up or purchased.

We get sucked in by the ease of technology, but at what cost. We need to put our phones down and learn to exist in our world without our phones glued to us. I have put my phone down a dozen times this week in an attempt to be apart of my world. You should too. It’s been enlightening.

So in a previous blog I stated I was starting a new adventure. Well it failed!! Horribly!! I started school and work at a salon. School closed and filed bankruptcy. We moved twice. I started over again in 2019 in a new salon and due to the economy was let go after Christmas 2019. So all this hype, up and down with a hairstylist career I decided to squash it. I was chasing an old dream. I went on interviews and landed a great paying job doing what I have done my entire life. I was excited and nervous and thought this is great!!! Guess what? FAIL!!!

Covid-19 hit and the country basically shut down. Due to my husbands heart condition and being high risk we made the choice for me to stay home. In hindsight it was a good decision because both of my school age kids had to be home. I am a 46 stay at home mother, in charge of the house, the schooling, the errands and the fur babies. For the last six months I have look at this like a huge failure. I have been depressed and annoyed that I am stuck here in the house all the time. Been faking it, until I make it.

A few months ago I made a huge mistake. Like big!!! I was gambling online. In my head I thought if we won, we could move and retire. I justified what I was doing with the thought I am doing this for my family. I didn’t realize how much it was until my husband looked at the bank statement and confronted me. I felt sad, shame and embarrassment, but it turned out to be my wake up call. I realized that I am not looking at the last few years through the right lenses. I have been so focused on what I lost or failed at that I am missing the good things. I went down the rabbit hole of my OCD and started displaying destructive behavior. For me it is a pattern that I have to break. It is time to make a change. I haven’t looked at the extra time with kids as a blessing, the ability to do things for husband while he is at work as an honor. I have been neglecting myself the most. I haven’t been taking care of me, or doing the things that made me an awesome wife and mom.

I know that this year has been hard for so many. I know that people are struggling to feed their families. I know that people are angry at the loss of loved ones. I took on the weight of the world and the unknown by doing a few things wrong. I spend too much time watching TV. I got sucked into social media. I got wooed by Amazon. I lied to myself about what I was really feeling and I stopped being me.

I am taking each day one day at a time. I am blessed to have support from my kids and husband. He is going to keep me accountable by making me keep myself accountable. I have turned the TV off and decided that writing is a good outlet. If this is long, it is because I hope their are more of you like me. I hope we can come together and start spreading hope to other moms/dads out there who just want to be great to their family. Really reach anyone who is navigating this new world we are in. The saying “it takes a village” was used most in reference to raising kids, but I think we need to use it towards our fellow man/women/they/them.

I am going to let go of the failures……it is time to acknowledge my success. Who wants to join me?

So we hear this all the time. 2020 has been a HUGE kick in the ass for most of the world. We are living through a pandemic and despite all the precautions in the world we are all walking around in the constant state of fear. Some think it is a government conspiricay, some think its sabotage from another country and most just understand its a new virus that can be deadly and we need to find solutions. No matter where your thought process is on it, you have to be afraid. On some level conscious or not we all are walking around with an extra layer of stress.

Here is my take away from the Pandemic. It is here, I do what I can to do my part like wear my mask, limit my public outings. I keep my hands cleaned and sanitized. I have taught my kids not to touch things. If I grab something at the store it goes in my cart and home with me. I keep my distance and I don’t go out unless it is a necessity. The result of this is some depression, some germaphobia (on top of my normal OCD – that shit is fun!) and sadness that the world is so ugly over this whole thing. Now the good. I have spent more time with my family and learned that my kids are capable of so much more than I thought! We have done some fun projects and spent time outside. I have found books again. I read at least two a week. I have reorganized things in my house and made some delicious meals. Regardless of what is going on out there, we are making it. We take it a day at time and try and to keep a level head.

The rest of 2020 I will agree has been a shit show. The election was a joke and discrace to our democracy. It was two babies fighting over a toy and neither one of them having the sense to just be professional and presidential. Murder Hornets….REALLY??? Meth Gators….DUMB. We have seen the tragedies of George Floyd and countless others being persecuted for the color of their skin and our white privilege giving us reasons to justify these horrible atrocities by simply not doing anything. To me this is unacceptable. We have to understand that we are being complicit in this persecution and try and educate ourselves on the needs of our people. And that is all people, not just white people. I was raised to not see skin color, but I found out recently that saying even that is offensive. We have to acknowledge our part in allowing this continue through the years and we have to make serious changes to stop it!

As a result, 2020 has made us scared, stupid, angry, frustration, closer and yet further apart. We have been up and down and back and forth. We each are going through it, we need to remember that and be kind to one another. We need to stop fighting and find solutions. A good debate on any subject should promote change not hate or shame. Be good to each other.

So I am about to begin a new/old adventure from scratch. I am nervous and excited all at the same time. I will be joining a very established salon as their office manager/receptionist/apprentice! Yes that is right, I am back to continuing my dream of becoming a hair stylist.

I have not worked in over a year, and being back in the workplace is a little scary as my last long term job really through me for a loop. I am learning that I need to let the past go and focus on the positive in the present and joy and greatness that can be had in the future.

While on this new adventure I am still a student at Stratford University pursuing a BS in Business Administration. I figure if I am going to finish one goal, might as well finish the other.

I am happily back on my medication with a few tweeks and some added suppliments and explore other options often, but for now I am steady and that is better than numb and better than nuts! Stay tuned for more. I promise I won’t stay gone long in between posts.

Do you ever feel fear? I do, every time I get a phone call about a job. It is almost paralyzing. I have had a couple phone interviews and done well, but the rejection is starting to get to me a bit. I get email after email saying “thanks for applying, but we are going a different route”. I pondered if my old employer was giving me a bad reference, I went through my list of personal references. I even tried applying without the old references, still no job. Then it hit me. F E A R. That pesky little four letter word.

I think it is my fear that is preventing me from landing that job. I made such a huge mistake on the last one that I think I have a knee jerk reaction to the idea of being employed again. It literally paralyzes me to make those phone calls to set up an interview. I know I am human and I made a mistake, but man it was ugly (I ugly cried), embarrassing and in the end it was on me. I screwed up and knowing that, scares the shit out of me. Right this second even writing about it, my chest is tight and I keep holding my breath.

So fear, how to face it? I know I have talked about feeling feels, owning my shit. I did my nieces journal project which helped with calming my mind and listening to myself, but fear. Fear is right in my face right now, this very second. Looking back in the journal, I left out that I am scared. Scared to get back out in the real world. I know I started school to get a new career, mostly because medical is where it is at, but partially so I could hide a little longer. Back on my medication I thought that fear would go away, but guess what it did not. I am not sure which direction to go with this one.

My brain says take it one day at a time, so that is what I will do. In the meantime, I have homework to do 😉 (Fear stowed for today) This is a work in progress, advice appreciated.

So last week, not sure what it was but I was snapping at everyone. There was no stopping it, no mediation that helped. I felt anxious and overwhelmed about everything. So despite my brain saying please don’t, I went back on medication. (With the advice of my doctor on a lower dose).

I am now on about day 5 and I feeling less crabby and anxious. I have stopped snapping at everything and I find myself a little calmer when dealing with situations. Yesterday I felt kind of blah, so this morning I pushed myself to get up, eat, take medication and do my classwork and try and function on a healthy level. My biggest issue with the medication is feeling blah, when I should be feeling fabulous. So I think I will have to work with that.

Did I fail? Being off my medication felt really, really good, until it didn’t. For me, swinging so far that I snap at everyone I love was NOT OK with me. I felt like a failure the first couple of days swallowing that pill. I felt like I had failed my mission to live a cleaner, healthier life. But now into day 5 and starting to regulate I noticed a few things on my medication. I feel calm all the time, I don’t swing into evil land. I sleep about 8 hours and I am up. Instead of a sleep aid, I take CBD oil (NON THC) at night which helps ALOT! I am drinking more water to help keep my system clean.

So on Day 5 in conclusion, I don’t think I failed. I think I am one that needs some type of medication. I had no control over the evil train that rolled in last week. I don’t like feeling that way and that is why I went on medication in the first place.

Whether you are medicated or meditating through your life, know that you are loved and important. I believe we can live our best lives by staying true to what we need. Listen to your mind, listen to your body when it needs something. Sometimes our disorders can be our saving grace.

So the topic of cultivating relationships has come up this week in conversation. It is something someone chooses to do. It is a pick and choose of exactly who and how much stuff you allow to be in your life.

It has made me reflect on my own life and allowed me to understand why I only let a limited few into my personal bubble. I thought my whole life that I was just that kind, quiet, stay to myself kind of person that didn’t have a lot of people in my life, but I realize that I have chosen who to let in and how much.

I made some decision a few years ago and chose to let a few friends go based on their need for drama and lies. I don’t care for either. I know that people with no clear path of their life, or people with issues I tend to stay clear of these days. The few people that are in my life are there because I want them to be. And to be honest I am okay with the few that are in my life. It is not always roses and sunshine, but these relationship are deep and committed.

My mother viewed everyone as family, there was no stranger in her eyes. I like to think I carried some of that with me, but I am discovering that for my own mental health I need to keep a few close and the rest at arms length.

Hopefully as my journey continues I will meet more people of like mind and like heart that can be a part of my tribe, but I am in no hurry. Treat the ones you love like you love them, be there for as many as you can without sacrificing your mental health. Know no stranger, but understand that not every stranger deserves to be in your specific tribe.

I will say this and then I am going to let it go, the person that brought this to my attention is actually a family member, and sadly they have no interest in being part of my tribe or even cultivating a small relationship, we are so different. I get it, you will not always get what you want or need from people. Don’t let that discourage your heart, your growth and faith in your beliefs. I still love my family member, but now I just don’t have to try as hard. I can let it go.

Thanks to my tribe, I know you love me, read me, rock my world and will be in my life for a long time! And to my King; you are my rock and my soul, thank you for running this crazy tribe with me 🙂

Alright lets dive in. In the last blog I posted some questions…” Do you think it helps a bitchy person for it to be pointed out? Do you think talking about that person behind their back is healthy for their healing? Do you think that maybe that person is just going through something and maybe that label is just a bit harsh?”

I think mental health as a whole comes with a wide variety of emotions. Love, Joy, Anger, Sadness, Happiness, Hate, Peace, Anxiety and Fear. I don’t think that helps an already mentally challenged individual to have their moods labeled. Because we don’t know what they are going through or feeling. I never liked gossip and overhearing things doesn’t help my mental state. But lets go a little deeper.

If I come off as what you would call “a bitch”. Ask yourself why. Why would the normal Kim, who bends over backwards for people, sacrifices so much for the greater good all of a sudden have a moment deserving of that label? Is that an appropriate label? Could there be something going on that is causing the mood, or did someone do something to provoke that reaction?

There are times when I feel like I have to scream at people to be heard. In all reality they don’t listen half the time because it’s wife/mom/bff talking. They assume they know me and where I am going with a thought and right there is the problem. If you look back at the moment a person turns into a bitchy person, you could have assumed something that then has provoked that mood from them. So in that instance it is justified. I think people get bitchy when they aren’t heard, or they are heard but not listened to.

I think any and all feelings are justified in one way or another, however I believe that the way we handle those emotions is so very important. I think if I have gotten to the point where someone calls me a bitch, I need to re look at my own crap. I need to figure out why I am feeling the way I am, why are they the target and is any of really justifiable? I know I have call myself on my shit before I can move forward.

So feel your feels, find out why you inner bitch has surfaced and deal with it before you hurt someone else. Maybe if we all try and do this we can eliminate the label all together. On the flip side, before you call me a bitch ask yourself why am I behaving that way. What could you do to help a person that is appears to be having a difficult time.?

So I promised a two parter. This is part 1. Being bitchy is a phrase that that means a person is malicious or unpleasant. I have had several moments lately where my “bitchiness” comes out. It was pointed out to me yesterday by my daughter that I have snapped at several people lately. Someone in our house actually made the statement that maybe it was better for me to be medicated. I don’t know that it is a fair statement. Now that I am not sitting in a cloud of medicated fog, maybe just maybe I have a reason to be that way.

I have been hurtful to people I love and not the best company, especially when my boredom gets to me and I feel like I am not being paid attention to. I know that sometimes they don’t deserve what they got. And I know asking for attention is a little selfish. Or is it? Well bitchiness is just that, its a person selfishness that causes outbursts of malicious or unpleasant attitudes. Sometime the bitchiness may just be justified (We will go over that in part two).

I am trying to in my healing processes and within my growth identify these moments and assess my own behavior to determine if it really is me, or something else.

I think the label is false. Honestly being “bitchy” has become a label that gets slapped on attitude that is unpleasant to another person. It is given to both women and men when someone doesn’t like how you are acting… “Oh they are just in a bitchy mood” or “damn bitch much”, both phrases I have used and heard often.

So lets look at bitchiness from mental health perspective. Do you think it helps a bitchy person for it to be pointed out? Do you think talking about that person behind their back is healthy for their healing? Do you think that maybe that person is just going through something and maybe that label is just a bit harsh? Things we will touch on in part two. PM with your thoughts and ideas and I will include them in part two 🙂