So I promised a two parter. This is part 1. Being bitchy is a phrase that that means a person is malicious or unpleasant. I have had several moments lately where my “bitchiness” comes out. It was pointed out to me yesterday by my daughter that I have snapped at several people lately. Someone in our house actually made the statement that maybe it was better for me to be medicated. I don’t know that it is a fair statement. Now that I am not sitting in a cloud of medicated fog, maybe just maybe I have a reason to be that way.

I have been hurtful to people I love and not the best company, especially when my boredom gets to me and I feel like I am not being paid attention to. I know that sometimes they don’t deserve what they got. And I know asking for attention is a little selfish. Or is it? Well bitchiness is just that, its a person selfishness that causes outbursts of malicious or unpleasant attitudes. Sometime the bitchiness may just be justified (We will go over that in part two).

I am trying to in my healing processes and within my growth identify these moments and assess my own behavior to determine if it really is me, or something else.

I think the label is false. Honestly being “bitchy” has become a label that gets slapped on attitude that is unpleasant to another person. It is given to both women and men when someone doesn’t like how you are acting… “Oh they are just in a bitchy mood” or “damn bitch much”, both phrases I have used and heard often.

So lets look at bitchiness from mental health perspective. Do you think it helps a bitchy person for it to be pointed out? Do you think talking about that person behind their back is healthy for their healing? Do you think that maybe that person is just going through something and maybe that label is just a bit harsh? Things we will touch on in part two. PM with your thoughts and ideas and I will include them in part two 🙂

So in addition to daily self reflection, I have decided to attempt to right some wrongs in my life. I wrote a long letter to someone who was so deserving of an apology. With that writing there were so many feels, that now today I find myself crying at the smallest things.

It was like breaking open a dam of jammed up information in my mind. Things I thought I saw in a certain way, after owning my truth and being honest I realized I was filled full of self preservative lies. Self preservation is an instinct. We protect ourselves from the hardness of life so it won’t hurt.

Let me tell you when you actually start dealing with the big stuff, its hard, it hurts and it sucks to go back there, but damn if it is not the biggest relief.

I have to get the garbage out before I can allow in the great, the amazing that surrounds me everyday.

Know your truth, take it in, wallow in it, then let it out and let it go. I am not sure if this person will forgive me, I hope they do, but I had to get it out because not letting it out, means not being able to let it go. This is my life, I will control it’s outcome.

Peace to your soul is what I wish for each of you today. Feel the feels, let em all in and then let them go to make way for better feels.

So these days you can hop on Facebook or Instagram and find a million self help people. Posted blogs and videos to help boost how you feel, how you eat, or how to just live period. Some are good, some are full of shitake’ mushrooms (literally). One of my favorite gurus is a true spirit, from her soul and spot on real life advice giver is my niece Collette.

One of the things she said in her posts was “own your shit”. This was profound for me. And not just profound, but HUGE. I found myself sitting down and writing a list of anything and everything that bothered me; I found that I have some issues that need serious delving into.

One main one is that I think I am not good enough for my family. I have struggled my whole life with the fact that I look like none of them. I am the only red haired blue eyed babe in the group. I didn’t go to college (until now). I didn’t travel the world, hell I barely made it out of whatever state I lived in. For years I followed my family around the country to hold on to something.

It was until recently that I realized that “something” was the family I had when I was little. It was the father that died too soon. It was the mother that took me everywhere before she met her girlfriend. It was the brother that adored me like I was his. I was chasing the dream of another person’s life. (Well mine, but from a time long gone) So guess what I decided? “OWNED THAT SHIT”. I finally realized that I WAS good enough, I AM special because I look like me. Love changes over time, relationships evolve. I don’t need anyone’s approval to be happy. I only need to be happy with what I see in the mirror and what is on my own mind.

As far as daddy issues. My dad was a good man, he provided for his family, and loved me completely. He did not abandon me and he did not deserve the anger I had towards him. My parents divorce was their failure, NOT MINE. My mothers choice in partners was her choice, NOT MINE. Any failure I felt about mom and dad was not my own, and it was time to let it go.

So my conclusion is this: Love Me, Hate Me, be in my life or don’t….guess what I LOVE ME and at the end of the day that is all that matters.

Disclosure: I am not a self help guru. I am not your angel of saving grace. You wanna feel better about yourself. Then as Collette says “OWN YOUR SHIT” (interpret that how you like).

I have learned this week that I in no way follow the theory of utilitarianism. That was the subject for my ethics class. I hate the idea that there is not a better solution and shouldn’t all of our major decisions be for the greater good?

I was sold in this lesson I should look at it selfishly, I can not do that! I am not that type of person. After pondering that for a bit it did make me more aware of how much I do for others, even when they don’t need it. I haven’t learned to say No often because I think I will feel failure if I say it.

What is this driven need to please others at all costs? Where does it come from and how does it affect our overall mental health? Could the need to please be what is driving my anxiety and if I just say No could that ease some of the discomfort.

I am pleased to announce month three medication free and I actually feel free. At times I have to remove myself from certain situations, but overall the anxious part has calmed down for now.

Ponder this thought this week: Is there a way for us to heal ourselves while still pleasing others and making the effort to say No when our mind drives us to do things that aren’t asked for or needed in an effort to take some pressure off ourselves?

I was thinking today about my age. I am 44. 6 years from 50. I wondered if I ever will actually feel my age? (This week being the exception with the back pain). I don’t feel that old. I still look at the world with wonder and at times have this naive vision of things.

I know that there will come a day when I start feeling “over the hill”. But what does that really mean. I know plenty of people over 50 that have very productive and fruitful lives. My first husbands parents are a great example of how I really want to live.

I would like to travel more, spend quality time with the people I love and see all that I can while I can.

Today’s pondering thought – what is over the hill? Will it provide more freedom than the first 49 years?

Stay young at least at heart!

Life is kicking my butt today. First my back has been in a state of ouchy for three days. And by ouchy I mean sciatic nerve pain, stabbing pain and numbness down my leg. It is almost impossible to do anything but sit on my butt. So now my butt is numb and I am bored.

Went to the gym yesterday, figured “hey I am already in pain” so yeah…don’t do that. The hydro chair was amazing but everything else hurt like a SOB today. I tried my beautifully smart nieces yoga video…um yeah fat girls can’t do a lot that, but I tried. It helped, but it will take serious yoga practice to get the moves down and I just can’t.

Second week of school is upon me, managed to get all my work done for last week only to have major computer issues this morning. Spent a good two hours on IT shit…and it is shit! So that combined with back pain, plus the soreness from the gym….let us just say Kim is grumpy beyond all reason today.

So I am nearing dinner time and realized that this was the perfect time to take this not so great day and try and turn it into a positive. How can I change my attitude despite my pain and frustration? So here we are…you and me. I feel like we too often deal with these kind of days all alone. We don’t realize that there are so many people having the same kind of crappy day or even worse. So know you are not alone, I feel the daily hustle. I feel the rage against the machine. I feel the pain (literally) and I feel the hurt of not being smarter than the average 5th grader (when it comes to electronics).

Now onto my evening, I am going to listen to some tunes, take some much needed medication (doctor prescribed) and try and relax enough to get a good nights sleep and start tomorrow fresh and new. There are moments when all we can do is wait it out.

Disclaimer: Some of my blogs will be a mini bitch session…so if you don’t like it, then don’t read. Also…ethics class….pffffttttt!!!!!! NuffSaid

So I have eluded to a religious/faith blog. Here we go. To those of my family members please don’t make this about you. I have had 44 years on this earth to figure out what I believe and I respect your beliefs, so please do the same for me. And regardless what you think of how I feel, I hope you will take to heart that I love you all with your beliefs and would like to be loved in return.

At age 17 I was “saved” by the christian standard. I accepted Jesus as my one and only savior and turned my life over to the lord. For years I followed the rules, read the bible, said my prayers. Every step of this journey was fill by disappointment, failure, hurt, joy, love and I carried this blind faith that I thought was MY foundation. I accepted that when bad things happened it was “Satan” causing me pain and “God” that was saving my soul.

A few years ago I met a buddhist. We discussed their faith and what made them believe what they did, the entire time I felt this need to convert them to my beliefs. After awhile we stopped discussing these things because it was a strain on our friendship. I viewed her different and that hurt my heart, but I just knew it was her and not me. Ironically she didn’t feel any contempt towards me. Her main focus was overcoming difficulties using various teachings from her schooling and through meditation and prayer she would resolve her issues in a very calm serene way.

Four years ago, this wonderful soul of a person came into my life and she is a Wiccan. There is nothing about her that made me run screaming and after years of getting to know her, being her bff and now having her as a roommate there have been no satanic rituals, nothing that involves so called Satan at all. She loves the earth, she loves the energy of life. She sees her blessings in the leaves and smell of a fresh rain. She believes that burning some ingredients makes her life more fulfilling and protects her family. Nothing like I thought. It is kind of beautiful.

So it hit me like a ton of bricks one day, ironically during a prayer to the Christian Jesus. Who am I to judge any of these beliefs? I started getting more educated. I did a lot of research on different beliefs and religions. There are so many it is crazy. Surprisingly I came to one conclusion almost all 4200 different religions had similar structures. Prayer, saving grace, faith, hope, love, joy, forgiveness and kindness. I started to wonder who was really right?

I finally made this huge choice to just be quiet. Be quiet and listen to what is around my own head and more importantly what is my own heart saying. I don’t chose to be called Christian anymore, because honestly I am not. I do have faith there is something bigger myself. I don’t believe that we arrived out of an explosion and just materialized. Something amazing and wonderful put all of us here and I am not sure what will be there when I do pass on from this world.

I chose to accept and have faith that life is a beautiful gift that should be glorified. I just chose not to pick a specific god to give that glory to. We are too diverse, we have too many things that make each culture different, like language, skin color and belief systems. We also don’t give ourselves and our fellow humans enough of the glory. It pisses me off when people have wonderful moments in their life and then say it was all because of God. NO IT WASN’T! Why do we need to do this to feel more fulfilled.

When I made this decision I shared with my mother, she seemed sad at first, but I reassured her that I was okay, because I was OK. In fact I was better than okay. When I made this choice this HUGE weight lifted off my soul. I finally felt like I could treat everyone the same, maybe even better if I was open to listen to their story. I felt like love thyself made more sense to me, and that it all had to start with me. Why doesn’t it end with me as well. I am thankful but fate, karma all that jazz makes no sense to me. We are the life we make, we are the partners, parents, friends and loved ones that we choose to be. It is a choice to be good or be bad. I don’t think a god or a devil has that kind of power over me or my choices.

I have seen some of my “christian” friends treat others in such a awful manner and then blame it on Satan or God’s will. I have seen people actually use the bible as an excuse to treat someone in a very awful way. Not all you read is true, so don’t get suckered into just one book. If you want truth READ THEM ALL, then come talk to me.

The whole point to sharing this is regardless of what you believe, be open to listen to your fellow human. Have faith that we are all connected in some way and that in the end we will all be together or we won’t, but why bother with the end, when what’s in the middle should count so much. Don’t forget to make your middle count.

So started classes this week. I got Ethics and Anatomy. What a combination. So far, I am rocking it. Ironically my ethics class is a lot of writing, almost like blogging 🙂

I am finding myself a little overwhelmed this week. The dogs have been, well bluntly…assholes. They have gotten out of the yard twice, they chewed up my hat and they don’t want to listen. Emma has been sick, fever and tummy…never a fun time. I too have had to reassess my stomach medication and make some dietary changes. So I am feeling quite grumpy.

Grumpy, that is an emotion I was not feeling on my medication. I am not depressed, I am not sad…just grumpy. Having to wade through the sea of no mind medication is trippy. One second I am happy, next grumpy, then tired. I am hoping the change in diet, increase in water and not napping will cure this grumpy sludge feeling I have.

Also I know it is ok to feel whatever I am feeling. So advice this week, own your grumpy because it is yours. Til next time.

So yeah, I am starting over career wise.

Talk about scary as hell! I have enrolled as a college student to obtain and AS/BS in Medical billing, coding and insurance. All the documents are signed and I start classes this week.

I am absolutely terrified. I haven’t done school school in a long long long time. I know I am capable of anything I put my mind to, but this venture is one I have hesitated most of my adult life to try.

Starting over is like hiking up hill, naked, in a snow storm. But at the same time it is excited because at the top of the hill, I might actually find a career home that I can enjoy for the next 10 or 15 years and retire from. Not only that, but I am doing it on my own. I got all the grant, scholarship and loans all on my own. For those that know me, this is a first…and a huge success in itself.

I wish my mother was still alive to celebrate this mile stone. This will be one thing I can’t float through. I have to knuckle down and get that GPA up to 3.25 or higher, then I can tackle more at once and get done sooner.

Wish me luck!!!

Part of this self journey I am on, is accepting my own will. Accepting the things I can change and the things I can not.

I am learning that my own will to push forward each day, my own strength to get through the evils of my mind is one of my best assets. I am so strong. I think I failed to realize my strength because of all the things people do in their own lives that I was letting affect my will and strength. It’s a practice to just not let their crap overrun.

I have learned there are so many types of people in this world, for me to analyze them all would cause and maybe was causing some of my anxiety.

I had the mentality that people had such high expectations of me, that when I didn’t meet these fictitious expectations (meaning these really weren’t there for them, it was in my head) I felt like this massive failure. And maybe some (like my siblings) truly had these high expectations of me. But honestly that is their issue, NOT mine. I am me, and not anyone in my life bothered to get to know me intimately. So why should I care about what they expect? Are we really accountable to everyone or just ourselves?

Several years back one of my nieces graduated from college and I drove my mother who had recovered from a broken neck, my two small children and myself about 543 miles in one day to be present. We got to the hotel and immediately were on the move. We attended the walking around town, a big lunch with family and friends, the dinners, the bar, the graduation and at breakfast on the morning that we left I was pulled aside by a sibling and lectured on conversations I had with my nieces.

For example somewhere in conversation the translation was lost. I mentioned wanting to be a cosmetologist but that translated to I did hair (I had colored my hair prior to this event and my mothers, so we would look nice). I also talked about my chipped and cracked tooth from playing soccer (I played 6th through 9th in Illinois. I played again in California while attending Anaheim High School but tweeked my knee during our spring training prior to season starting). I was basically told that I needed to “stop telling stories” or “lying”. I was also told that I needed to pay closer to attention to my children’s hygiene. These conversations happened because I wanted to share some of my life experience and bond with my family members who had similar experiences.

So imagine my heartbreak that my own sibling didn’t know that I was an all star goalie for 3 years and had gotten elbowed in my face and cracked my tooth? I know it happened because the remnant crack is still there and my dad paid about $600 to save my tooth. Or how about the fact that I never said I did hair, I said I wanted to do hair (which if ya’ll know me is the truth). Or lets talk about the 3 days of driving, walking, making sure my mother attending every event as Granny, took her medication and about my exhaustion from being the only driver in our group. Truth? I may have forgot to give my kids a full bath the day before we left. And my what 6 year old was a boy and little stinky, but they weren’t filthy, they were not gross. And if the drive home was like the drive up I anticipated more vomit because both kids got car sick. But no one knew that about my kids because they never asked. My mother specifically said that night, don’t bathe them because they will be throwing up tomorrow on the ride home.

I left there so angry, I carried it with me for YEARS. It took me along time to realize that not only did my sibling not know me, I didn’t know them. I had these huge expectations of them, and of myself. I never felt good enough to be around my own family. And that event, that conversation is what failed my mind on unconditional love. Even more so I let the ridiculousness of their expectations affect how I felt every day there after. I questioned all my decisions and conversations for years. Hell up until my brother Ken divorced, my other brother Steven died and my sister told me I was an alcoholic despite the fact that I drink maybe 5 times a year (besides the ones that knew me, my addiction was blow and weed), I never knew that I was just as important as them. It took too long for me to look in the mirror and realize that I have a will and strength of my own.

Bottom line, I know now that I should have always looked to my own expectations. My will to persevere, my strength to adapt is MINE! My bomb self image is MINE (I am big, beautiful and sassier than most), my bomb ass parenting…MINE. My past, my history of health, power and athleticism MINE, my history period is MINE…. I am her, I am she, I simply am all because of MY will, MY strength.

So know that your will is the one thing that can push you through the dark.

Disclaimer: I love my siblings, all three of them. I may not know them well, or them know me, but love is something I know I do unconditionally!!!! Very much…just want to make this clear.